Over one hundred thousand mourners dressed in black will flood the Washington National Cathedral on August 27, 2007, grieving the untimely, shocking, and unfortunate death of the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS. Some will fly in from as far away as Mars; Jacko will come with dozens of children from Neverland and OJ Simpson from the golf courses of the running damned in Lululand.
Big Foot will be present with Nessie, the Irish Loch Ness monster on his icy arm. Hillary Rodham Clinton’s alien baby will make her debut as a teenager, along with the baby (now a teenager too) who parted Lake Michigan.
It is rumored that the reputable newspaper will award a gift in cash to the person bringing the best pictures of Jurrasic Park.
Elvis Presley will open the funeral with the famous hymn, “He is Alive.” The Reverend Al Sharpton will officiate and is expected to speak words of comfort to those concerned about global warming. The title of his message will be “Let’s Pave the Rain Forests.” No one knows for sure if the recent news of President Bush becoming the Pope soon or the details of the pre-Iraqi war wedding of Saddam Hussein to Osama bin Laden will be discussed at the funeral.
When hearing of the news, Al Gore said, “We will miss the most reliable newspaper in the world. It covered the facts accurately on my invention of the Internet. This is an inconvenient death.”
Michael Moore, who is still recovering from 9/11, could only utter one word, “Sicko.”
Both John Edwards and John Kerry were unavailable for comments. Edwards was gazing into a mirror, and Kerry was in a tanning booth in Florida counting chads.
Barak Obama stated that he was saddened at the news but could verify that the death of the newspaper was not caused by Islamic terrorists. Hillary Clinton said that Obama killed the newspaper with his bare hands. Eventually their verbage became so heated that it errupted into a fist fight, knocking down Katie Couric and Dan Rather, the haggard has beens of CBS.
Oprah was invited to the funeral but will not attend as long as Bush is in office. Barbara Striesand was invited as well but will not attend due to a commitment to record, “My Bill.” And speaking of Bills, the charismatic ex-president, Mr. Clinton, will attend with his chocolate lab and chocolate bar.
In the 1980s the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS enjoyed tremendous success with over one million people subscribed. It repeatedly scooped every newspaper in America with headlines like “Garden of Eden Found.” The last 100,000 devotees are taking the news hard but still vow to vote for Hillary via absentee, alien voting in Spanish.
Indeed, the death of this reliable and noteworthy newspaper will be a sad day for the world. But good news is on the horizon. The WEEKLY WORLD NEWS is happy to announce that it will be replaced by the WASHINGTON POST.